Parents Coming to terms with Autism - Getting Past the Grief
So you may have realised for a long time that there is something different about your child, or perhaps your child is just struggling with a few areas of their development. You visit the doctor or specialist, hoping for some ideas or suggestions as to how you may assist your child and you leave feeling like someone has hit you over the head with a brick. You have just been told that your child has an autism spectrum disorder. Sound familiar? To an unsuspecting parent the word autism can be very scary and leave you feeling numb and in shock.
It’s very common for parents of an autistic child to sometimes feel shock or sadness about their child’s autism. Parents may even feel a sense of loss, which comes with any form of grieving. Grieving that their child is different, that their child may struggle with life, and that their child isn’t what they imagined in an ideal way. Anger and guilt are also common emotions that arise at this time - why me, what did I do to deserve this, it’s not fair - are all common responses to the news that a child has autism. After all, every parent wants his or her child to be accepted, to live a happy life, and to make all of their dreams a reality. And doesn’t our society hold the idea that autism is tragic and incurable?
Too often in our society, people who are different are often seen as unfortunate, sad cases. But perhaps it’s time to start looking at things in a different way. Perhaps as parents we can look at our children as not tragic or broken, but rather, as unique and remarkable. If we really stopped to think about it, our children are pretty amazing people. How many people would love to have the focus that an autistic person has, or the long term memory for detail? Our children’s autism is a part of who they are, and perhaps as parents we need to embrace this and celebrate the wonderful qualities. Our children won’t be sad about who they are, unless we as parents and society convince them otherwise.
Imagine if our society held autism up as an incredibly marvelous thing. In that case, most of us would be pretty happy about our child’s autism, right? Our child would still be autistic, but our perception of what that means would be different, and so would our resulting emotional response.
We need to make our own choices as to how we take on autism in our lives. Yes we could sit back and forever be unhappy and angry about it, but there comes a time when we need to move on. We all need time to grieve and adjust to the news of course, but then we need to pick ourselves up and make that choice. Do we be unhappy, based on what society tells us and because life has thrown us a curve ball, or do we be happy in that we have a beautiful child with remarkable qualities, who needs our love and belief. Bad days will come, of that I am certain. And some of these bad days will knock you down hard. But how we get through the bad days is determined by our decision to either embrace what we have in life, or forever be wanting for something else.
Think of it this way - our children’s best outcome in life could well be determined by the approach we take today. A child who is fully accepted for how he or she is now, even with autism, will feel that acceptance and positive expectation, and will respond by believing in him or herself.
Take the time to grieve. Feel the emotions that you need to feel. But then think about that choice.