Sometimes life just feels too hard…
Sometimes when we’re in the middle of life’s challenges we don’t always see straight, and we don’t always think straight… In fact, in these moments I often don’t even notice what life has become, or what’s in the process of happening to me and those around me until it is all too late.
At the end of last week, I fell in an emotional heap.
As I sit here and write this post I even now find it difficult to pin point just what happened to bring everything crashing around me, but it was more or less a build up of stress, anxiety, fear… and probably a bit of unresolved anger and grief…
I had got to a point where life had become too hard, and it was enough for me to just survive - happiness had seemed to disappear, and I was struggling to find a way out of this.
The main issue I came to realise that I was dealing with was Jack’s aggression - it has been on the increase over the past few weeks (and the long holiday break has certainly been no help here, with our normal routine out the window). I have been finding it harder and harder to deal with Jack’s physical strength, and have been struggling to cope with the consequences of all of this… the physical attacks when he ‘melts’ usually result in bruised legs, scratches all over my arms, and a general feeling of being totally helpless. And I’ve also been extremely concerned over his roughness with Annie (just in general play) - there have been times when she has been really scared when he has pushed or hit her… and this has really had my stress levels heading ’sky high’.
Jack has always been intense, and his aggressiveness has been part of this. Before his autism spectrum diagnosis I used to feel so frustrated with him - constantly… I would do everything I could in terms of behaviour management… I read every book, watched every ‘parenting’ video, and went to every class possible, just to try and find ways to manage what was happening.
And I guess after the autism diagnosis, my heart broke and I felt a complete emptiness inside… not because of the autism itself, but because I knew at that moment that handling Jack’s aggression was never going to be an easy thing… because I knew at that moment that the ‘typical’ way of dealing with his aggression was never going to work…
… and soon after the diagnosis it didn’t take long before the anger started to boil up… I began to feel angry that he was so aggressive, and angry that he couldn’t see how he was making people feel… and angry that he couldn’t control his behaviours… and angry at myself… oh so angry at myself… and then it just became grief…
… I guess I thought I’d dealt with all these feelings, but by the end of last week I realised that I hadn’t. I was facing a whole lot of hurt… and still that emptiness inside… and the judgement from others who see the aggression still hits me hard ’straight between the eyes’.
I’ve cried rivers of tears, I’ve sunk to the bottom….. but I’ve also now realised that I’m the only person who can get me out of this. I’m the only person who can change how I feel, and I’m the only person who can pick myself up and find a way to move on.
So I’ve started.
I’m going to find some help - both for me and for Jack… I don’t want to change him, I just want to help him find a way to manage his aggression, and help him find a way to be safe.
The tears will ease soon I am sure, and the sun will start to shine again… I’m hoping time will ease the pain of today…
“… but regardless, today and always, I love you Jacky with all of my heart, you’re my beautiful boy.”
Mum xx
January 29th, 2008 at 1:52 am
I have waged war on behaviour since they were babies. I don’t allow it… autism is NOT an excuse for it. We have had the Terrible 2’s with my eldest since he was 18mths old and started head banging and throwing things.
If they came at me, they got dropped on the floor and I moved away. Meltdowns are for the floor only. They are treated as “normal” when they are abusive and that means consequences. Now when my 8 yr old flips the Nintendo is gone for a MINIMUM of 2 hours. Time out is a bust due to confined space issues.
My eldest is also on Risperdal. It has helped with the anxiety and some of the head banging. Removing dairy also helped some - it makes him stoned. But had you seen the Level 10 meltdown all b/c the new mini-dvd player didn’t work instantly to his satisfaction this past Wed……
Ignoring until it goes away DOES NOT WORK. He just moves on until he finally gets to his bro or trashes my house. Consequences.
The little one doesn’t usually flip but he does like to stim and grab you hard… again… immediately placed on the floor and I walk away.
I WILL NOT BE ABUSED.
Sheri
January 29th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Jack and Annie are so lucky to have a mother so honest and brave and courageous. You are amazing and strong and can do whatever you need to do to be in a good place for you and for both kids!!
January 29th, 2008 at 5:27 am
And you will. You will! You know, stuff like this you don’t just deal with once - it surfaces again and again. Because it hurts. Because this wasn’t how things were supposed to be. You’re doing a great job, Elissa. One day at a time…
January 29th, 2008 at 5:36 am
((( Elissa ))) I’m so sorry your having a tough time. Laura is right, your children are lucky to have a mum brave enough to be honest about her feelings and strong enough to keep going.
I hope school starting brings you some respite.
I’m still a newbie at this parenting a child on the autism spectrum and muddling my way through the maze of special needs but please feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to vent to. I can offer a willing ear to listen and shoulder to cry on if nothing else. Email is leechbabe @ hotmail . com (without the blank spaces)
January 29th, 2008 at 7:20 am
Elissa, I’ve been where you are so many times over the years. I’m there again dealing with J’s regression and fears. It’s okay to feel this way. I’ve told by doctors they’d worry about me if I ever didn’t. Being truthful about how we feel about certain things is one of the best things we can do for ourselves.
I’m happy to know you’re getting help for you and Jack. “I don’t want to change him, I just want to help him find a way to manage his aggression, and help him find a way to be safe.” This has always been one of the reasons for everything I’ve done for J. I’ve found it’s never about changing the person, rather about understanding them and how they react to their environment and what we can do as a parent to make it easier for them, as well as us.
Aggression and hyperness is something I’ve dealt with regarding J for years now. Getting help for him, as well as for myself, to understand it and deal with it is something that we’ve both benefitted from. I think as time goes on and Jack gets the help he needs, and you too, you’ll see the changes. It takes time and things will happen again and again but you’ll both have a better understanding.
You’re doing great and your kids are fortunate to have such a wonderful mom like you.
January 29th, 2008 at 8:49 am
((hugs)) It is a rollercoaster.
Good for you for seeking help and not burying your head.
January 29th, 2008 at 11:20 am
We are encountering some problems at the moment, I can’t say I totally understand how you feel as everybody’s situation is different but I do appreciate a little bit of what you are going through.Good luck with the plans you are making for your family.
January 29th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. I know how hard it can be to keep your anger in check when theirs is so rampant. I can only imagine how difficult and stressful it is to watch this aggession coming out and affecting another child … this is something that I’ve only worried about (plenty already).
You’re probably already familiar with this book but just in case not here’s a link http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Difficult-Moments-Practical/dp/0967251435
Sending hugs. I hope you can find some good help.
January 29th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I’ve no specific advice because they’re all so different, but we all know that our own attitude is pivotal so that’s going to make a huge difference, if only to you own ’sanity’ and state of well being.
Most of the aggression around here is of the self abuse kind but we have had bouts of lashing out, between each other and lots in my direction. The ’bouts’ can last several months. I think I would find it very hard if it was a permanent feature.
A pal of mine had similar issues. She chose a double route of medication and psycho- analysis as her son was highly verbal with a cognitive psychologist. For him, someone to ‘talk’ to made an incredible difference. I think he must have been about 7 at the time and the therapist was very doubtful as he’s never treated anyone so young.
Meanwhile, I wish you the strength to work it through.
Best wishes
January 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
{{{{Elissa}}}} You are very brave and you are a wonderful mother. I have dark moments too, for different reasons, so I sort of know how you feel. You seem like such a peaceful person, by nature, so I am sure dealing with aggression is doubly hard.
I agree with childlife, these complicated feelings do tend to come back, but each time I think we get a little better at dealing with them. I am glad you are getting help for both of you. You need to take care of yourself too.
Katherine
January 29th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
My heart goes out to you. There was a two-year period where my son would have a meltdown everyday during which he would rage for an hour or more. Finally we realized that a major trigger was transitions and if we communicated what was going to change ahead of time, we would usually avoid a meltdown. Also think our nine year old matured to the point he could be reasoned with a little better. In the meantime we made sure to inform him or at least try to inform him that hitting, biting, etc was unacceptable. Also wrote a social story about meltdowns (temper tantrums). It took awhile for info about certain behaviours to sink in though. It might not be a coincidence that I saw a counselor weekly around that same two-year period. Hang in there. You seem to be taking the right paths.
January 29th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
My heart goes out to you. I know and understand your pain. I hope and pray that you find someone who can help. Don’t stop looking until you do.
January 30th, 2008 at 4:37 am
Thanks for sharing these difficult thoughts and feelings Elissa. I hope that things will look better as you find help and continue working through this. Physical aggression is the one thing about my son’s autism that worries me. When he started with it 3 years ago, at the age of 6, I knew I had to do something about it. He’s a big boy now (80 lbs at age 9) and I’m sure he’ll be bigger than me by the time he’s 13 or 14 (his Dad is 6′5″ tall!). We’re really focusing on behavior strategies that help him control himself when he starts to get upset.
Good luck, you are doing the right thing to get help!
January 30th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Thank you to everyone for your comments - they have been a shining light in many ways…
Steve has taken over the posting for a day or two… I’m looking forward to being back on deck once things settle a little more here… I’ve just got to get through the start of school tomorrow…
xx
January 31st, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I kida feel like you do in this post right now. The best thing we found to deal with aggression was medication for M. It pretty much disappeared with the meds. I know some people don’t think that is the way to handle it but it worked for M.
February 4th, 2008 at 1:19 am
I didn’t get to response to this when I was in Houston this week but have to tell you I woke up, read it on my phone, and shed a little tear for you. I’m glad now that school has started you’ve gotten some relief - that always helps. Sorry I’ve been so behind on your blog.
February 4th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
TC has been very aggressive too! And when we correct him, he throws awful tantruns, kicking the doors, hitting things, throwing things. Sometimes you feel so helpless.