“I Can Just Be Who I am”
We were away for 48 hours but it feels so much longer - funny how time seems to pass.
This past weekend, the kids and I headed away for a break to my parents home. I had a chance to spend a little time on my own with plenty of ‘babysitters’ around, and we all had a chance to get away from ‘life at home’ (which did us all some good).
For the last week or so I have been struggling with judgement - or I should say, self judgement.
I wrote recently about dropping to a really low point with the kids, where I was trying just to keep my head above water. It is usually during these times that the self doubt and self judgement tend to set in, but I thought this time I had avoided it - that is, until it hit me square in the face late last week.
Self judgement serves no purpose other than to eat away at our self confidence and self esteem, but when you’re caught up in the moment, it is difficult to see past your own doubts and feelings of inadequacies.
So although I was getting back on top of things with the kids, by the time the past weekend rolled around, I was floundering in a sea of self judgement. Thankfully some time spent with my aunt (and some time to talk a whole lot of things through) saw me heading back up the scale of self confidence.
Living with an autistic child (or for that matter any child with special needs), is very different to living with a ‘typical’ child. And I find that most of my self judgement begins when I feel like I’m being judged by others.
But I have to remind myself that I’m a great Mum - I love my kids with all of my heart and they love me.
After my weekend away I now have a new quote stuck up on my wall at home:
“I can just be who I am”
(Louise Hay)
Judgement removes a person’s ability to do this.
So regardless of what’s going on around me, and what others think or say, I need to remember this most of all.
Elissa 
January 14th, 2008 at 1:55 am
“my self judgement begins when I feel like I’m being judged by others.” This is very true for me as well. I can be going along well and someone will say something hurtful (usually they may not see that it is hurtful) and I will begin doubting everything. This will usually have to do with medication issues or treatment issues, how much of my life is devoted to M, etc. I have become better about not letting other people’s misunderstandings or ignorant advice get me down. But, some days I can’t help it. I take it all personally. Supposedly it will get better with age.
January 14th, 2008 at 3:16 am
Marla, I really hope it does get better, or easier anyway - the ignorant advice can often be the hardest. xx
January 14th, 2008 at 8:32 am
You are a great mum! And yes it is a difficult at times, but your love and style shines through this blog.
It gets to us all sometimes - your not alone even though you may feel it.
We dont judge you, so try and ignore the ones that do! (says she who still lets others get to her at times!) (H) x
January 14th, 2008 at 8:59 am
Seconding Casdok, your love and great parenting shine through in your blog. Self judgement is hard, both in how it effects you and in how you can work past it.
Funny I was just reading this article about the Parent Blame Game before I came here - http://blogs.webmd.com/healthy-children/2008/01/parent-blame-game.html
January 14th, 2008 at 9:06 am
Thanks Casdok and Marita!
January 14th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
I’m glad your weekend away helped. We were at my parents and just knowing I could sleep in and have someone ELSE get up with SB was such a relief.
I haven’t had a chance to blog about our IEP meeting last week but as I was sitting there listening to each team member’s report, I was struck by how much work goes into supporting a child like SB all day long. It wasn’t until later that I was replaying the meeting in my head that I realized … DUH ….. I do this too ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY! Why is it that I’m so damn impresed with everyone else and so unbelievably hard on myself … feeling like I’m never doing enough … never have enough patience, etc. etc.
I know how you feel (or at least I think I do).
January 14th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
It is hard, sometimes, to keep the proper balance going - that balance between self-confidence and self-loathing. Too much of that balance is affected by the opinions and actions of others, especially others who have no idea what your realities are on a day by day basis.
Keep your chin up, kid. You’re a great Mum.
Lou
January 14th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Yes, it is very hard! My sister has made some comments to me and it hurt me deeply. I am glad you got some time away, we all need that from time to time.
January 14th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Tulipmom - we do give so much credit to other people but then tend to forget about the hard work that we do ourselves… and our work is around the clock!!!
Thanks Lou, and thanks Kristi - both of you are very right!
I think sometimes because what we do is so different to what many parents do, that when you get one person who perhaps questions or gives unwanted advice, it’s enough to completely throw you off course - well, that’s how I feel at times anyway.
xx
January 14th, 2008 at 9:47 pm
We all have our moments when we self-judge but when our children give us their unconditional love in their own special way we know we’re doing okay. The short time I’ve been reading your blog I can tell you’re a great mom.
One thing a therapist helped me learn to do when it came to the people who judge me. I take their preconceived notions and turn it around into a strength. I tell myself now let them pass judgment. I know those who look down their noses at me wouldn’t last a minute in my shoes. They wouldn’t have the strenght or resolve to. This same therapist also taught me people may judge my son but someday he’s going to show them what he can really do and when he does they’ll end up looking like fools. I miss working with that therapist. She was fantastic.
January 14th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
misha_k - what a great attitude your therapist had, and what great advice… it is so true, those who are judgemental usually wouldn’t last a minute in our shoes… and yes, our kids have amazing potential…
Thanks xx
January 15th, 2008 at 12:49 am
You are doing great, it’s a hard job that’s for sure. It’s hard enough being a parent in the first place let alone being a parent to a child with different needs and behaviors. I am extremely hard on myself and for some reason I like to make myself feel guilty over silly things. You do shine, hang in there.
January 15th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Thanks Joy xx
January 15th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Amen, it is easy to sink into and get mired in self-judgement. I think it’s easy for parents of special needs kids to do this because we can feel so alone. That’s why I value blogging with other moms of autistic children so much. We understand each other’s struggles and can appreciate each other’s achievements!
January 15th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Coulda, woulda, shoulda….
Bet my list is longer than yours and times 2.
I will master one day not losing sleep over it at 3am…. yeah, right.
This week, my brain refuses to shut off the fact my little one has a crappy supply assistant at school….
Normal.
Sheri
January 15th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
LAA and Family - I definitely agree, blogging is so valuable for this!!!
fw2 - Yes, it does become a ‘coulda, woulda, shoulda’ game - that’s for sure!