Parenting the Best Way We Can
Reading Jen P’s post today, over at Find Out What Jen Finds, I was again reminded of the lack of awareness some people have with their attitudes towards the behaviours and symptoms of autistic children and the relationship of these behaviours and symptoms to the style of ‘parenting’ they receive. Jen P makes mention of the ’suggestions’ she received on an occasion in regard to her son and her respective ‘parenting’, something that I’m sure most (if not all) parents with autistic children receive at some point in time - often from people who have little understanding of autism, and no thought for the hurt that they cause the parents.
I’ve spent the day pondering the whole ‘parenting and autism’ thing. Parenting style (or for that matter what some people consider ’lack of’ parenting) is simply not the cause of autism, and will in no way ‘bring on’ an autism spectrum disorder. Sadly though, an autism spectrum disorder (and the behaviours and challenges that an ASD brings with it) may cause many parents to question their ability to effectively parent (and unfortunately the parents’ questioning of their own attributes can be escalated by the attitudes of those around them). Even after a diagnosis, and when people are aware of a child’s autism spectrum disorder, many family members and friends will still link the child’s behaviours back to the parenting.
Speaking from personal experience, an autism spectrum disorder can place a great deal of strain on social relationships. An autistic child’s behaviour will often have to be continually explained to others, and a parent’s social interactions may be continually interupted and challenged. But for many parents, social contact may drop off not only because it all becomes too hard to manage the child’s needs in a social environment, but also because of the scrutiny that they come under in regard to their parenting skills. Parents often find themselves subject to criticism (whether it is intended as ‘well meaning’ or not) and sadly, a lack of understanding in regard to what they do and how they ‘manage’.
So I write this post as a plea to fellow parents of ‘autism’ - believe in yourself and your abilities, and remind yourself every day of the wonderful job you do. Hopefully over time not only will there be a greater recognition of autism in itself, but of the way in which we parent - with total dedication, and all the love in the world for our kids.
One thing is for sure, as a parent of an autistic child, not only do you have to master the typical parenting skills, but you also master the specialised skills. Of course we will always have days where we feel like we have ‘no skills at all’ (I know I do regularly!!!), but without a doubt, we are parenting the very best way we can!
Elissa 
December 7th, 2007 at 8:36 am
Well said!!
December 7th, 2007 at 11:53 am
Thanks for the backlink. You know I’ve been surprised in the number of people who have experience with autism who still don’t “get it.” I even have one mom who child has autistic disorder who reminds me that I got the “good” diagnosis with “just” Aspergers.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I raise mine “normally”. IMO autism may be the reason, but it’s not an excuse. Society has rules and those rules are to be followed. First thing my kids ever learnt was the word “No”. LONG before they ever got dx’d.
http://farmwifetwo.blogspot.com/2007/10/on-fence.html
I think working WITH the ASD is important.. saying “well they have ASD so it’s OK” does them no favours.
http://farmwifetwo.blogspot.com/2007/12/parental-gloat-moment.html
http://farmwifetwo.blogspot.com/2007/12/report-card-season.html
Seems to be working so far.
S.
December 7th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Oh, I so know what you are talking about here! What a great post. You really hit the nail on the head. Friendships are very hard to maintain. I find it getting difficult too as Maizie gets older and her litte friends begin to pass her developmentally. I have a feeling that is going to be very difficult for me to deal with. Will she keep playing with my friends children and how will my friends continue to incorporate Maizie and me into their lives. I have noticed all ready that some slowly fade away. This is natural in friendships anyway. But, as a mother with a special child I know when it is just too much for antoher parent to deal with. Does that makes sense?
December 7th, 2007 at 10:51 pm
I have never been very social but one day a friend of mine stopped by unexpectedly and of course Adrian was naked, my first little hint of embarrassment and then he was in her daughter’s face screaming at the top of his lungs and flapping his hands. He was just excited to see them but her two year old looked terrified. I felt bad and wished she hadn’t come. There are hard moments, that’s for sure.
December 8th, 2007 at 3:52 am
Thanks Casdok!
Jen P - I’m amazed, but I guess I shouldn’t be by now!!
fw2 - we certainly raise as ‘normal’ here too - we find for ourselves that the problem is with what the outside world sees and ‘perceives’.
Marla - makes sense completely!!!
We have had many experiences where people find it all too hard to deal with (doesn’t make it any easier on us though!).
Joy - we have had similarly embarassing moments (the naked thing especially). Jack went through a stage where he liked to get down on the ground and bark like a dog whenever we had visitors show up - quite confronting to some people!
December 8th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
I’m probably luckier in that we live in a village and we’ve never hidden the boys. They go to the restaurant with us - and do really well, in a couple of hours we’re going to the Santa Claus parade - eldest is in it with his Scout troop, Scouts, library program etc.
Plus, I have this really nifty - your problem, not mine - streak. IMO it works both ways… I teach them proper social skills (or try) and those that visit help. I don’t allow hitting/biting etc of me or others by them.
Those that want to cast stones, not socialize with us… there’s other’s that do. B/c my house runs normally. The same rules of behaviour apply - there may be flapping and vocal noises by the little one - same foods served, same table manners expected, potty mouth gets you time out, same rules of personal space… flip out in a store/restaurant and we leave whether you like it or not. Destroy something and it gets taken away and not replaced.
It’s not always perfect, but my friends also help when they come. A couple of them have babysat for me - like yesterday during the P/T interview day so I could go to an appt. They socialize with the boys, play toys with everyone…. looks the same as the next person’s house.
Now.. if only the little one would toilet train… sigh…..
S.
December 15th, 2007 at 4:02 pm
Very wise to remember.